A One-Act Play by
CHRISTOPHER DURANG
SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU was first presented by the Ensemble Studio Theatre, in New York City, on a bill with one-act plays by David Mamet, Marsha Norman, and Tennessee Williams, on December 14, 1979. The production was directed by Jerry Zakes; set design by Brian Martin; light design by Marie Louise Moreto; costume design by Madeline Cohen.
______________
CHARACTERS
______________
SISTER MARY IGNATIUS
THOMAS
GARY SULLAVAN
DIANE SYMONDS
PHILOMENA RESTOVITCH
ALOYSIUS BENHELM
Enter Sister Mary Ignatius, dressed in an old-fashioned nun’s habit. The stage is fairly simple. There should be a lectern, a potted palm, a few chairs. There is also an easel, or some sort of stand, on which are several drawings made on cardboard; the only one we can see at the top of the play is either blank or is a simple cross. Sister looks at the audience until she has their attention, then smiles, albeit somewhat wearily. She then begins her lecture, addressing the audience directly.
SISTER.(Crossing herself.) : In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen. (Shows the next drawing on the easel, which is a neat if childlike picture of the planet earth, the sun, and moon.) First there is the earth. Near the earth is the sun, and also nearby is the moon. (Goes to next picture which, split in three, shows the gates of heaven amid clouds; some sort of murky area of paths, or some other image that might suggest waiting, wandering, and a third area of people burning up in flames, with little devils with little pitchforks, poking them.) Outside the universe, where we go after death, is heaven, hell, and purgatory. Heaven is where we live in eternal bliss with our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows her head.) Hell is where we are eternally deprived of the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ (Bows her head.), and are thus miserable. This is the greatest agony of hell, but there are also unspeakable physical torments, which we shall nonetheless speak of later. Purgatory is the middle area where we go after death to suffer if we have not been perfect in our lives and are thus not ready for heaven, or if we have not received the sacraments and made a good confession to a priest right before our death. Purgatory, depending on our sins, can go on for a very, very long time and is fairly unpleasant. Though we do not yet know whether there is any physical torment in purgatory, we do know that there is much psychological torment because we are being delayed from being in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows her head.) For those non-Catholics present, I bow my head to show respect for our Saviour when I say His Name. Our Lord Jesus Christ.
2 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
(Bows head.) Our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows head.) Our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows head.) You can expect to be in purgatory for anywhere from 300 years to 700 billion years. This may sound like forever, but don't forget in terms of eternity 700 billion years does come to an end. All things come to an end except our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows head. Points to the drawing again, reviewing her point.) Heaven, hell, purgatory. (Smiles. Goes to the next drawing which, like that of purgatory, is of a murky area, perhaps with a prison-like fence, and which has unhappy baby-like creatures floating about in it.) There is also limbo, which is where unbaptized babies were sent for eternity before the Ecumenical Council and Pope John XXIII. The unbaptized babies sent to limbo never leave limbo and so never get to heaven, Now unbaptized babies are sent straight to purgatory where, presumably, someone baptizes them and then they are sent on to heaven. The unbaptized babies who died before the Ecumenical Council, however, remain in limbo and will never be admitted to heaven. Limbo is not all that unpleasant, it's just that it isn't heaven and you never leave there. I want to be very clear about the Immaculate Conception. It does not mean that the Blessed Mother gave birth to Christ without the prior unpleasantness of physical intimacy. That is true but is not called the Immaculate Conception; that is called the Virgin Birth. The Immaculate Conception means that the Blessed Mother was herself born without original sin. Everyone makes this error, it makes me lose my patience. That Mary's conception was immaculate is an infallible statement. A lot of fault-finding non-Catholics run around saying that Catholics believe that the Pope is infallible whenever he speaks. This is untrue. The Pope is infallible only on certain occasions, when he speaks "ex cathedra," which is Latin for "out of the cathedral." When he speaks ex cathedra, we must accept what he says at that moment as dogma, or risk hell fire; or, now that things are becoming more liberal, many, many years in purgatory. I would now like a glass of water. Thomas. (Enter Thomas dressed as parochial school boy with tie and blazer. It would be nice if he could look age 7.) This is Thomas, he is seven years old
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG
3
and in the second grade of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow School. Seven is the age of reason, so now that Thomas has turned seven he is capable of choosing to commit sin or not to commit sin, and God will hold him accountable for whatever he does. Isn't that so, Thomas?
THOMAS. Yes, Sister.
SISTER. Before we turn seven, God tends to pay no attention to the bad things we do because He knows we can know no better. Once we turn seven, He feels we are capable of knowing. Thomas, who made you?
THOMAS. God made me.
SISTER. Why did God make you?
THOMAS. God made me to show forth His goodness and share with us His happiness.
SISTER. What is the sixth commandment?
THOMAS. The sixth commandment is thou shalt not commit adultery.
SISTER. What is forbidden by the sixth commandment?
THOMAS. The sixth commandment forbids all impurities in thought, word or deed, whether alone or with others.
SISTER. That's correct, Thomas. (Gives him a cookie.) Thomas has a lovely soprano voice which the Church used to preserve by creating castrati, Thomas unfortunately will lose his soprano voice in a few years and will receive facial hair and psychological difficulties in its place. To me, it is not a worthwhile exchange. You may go now, Thomas. What is the fourth commandment?
THOMAS. The fourth commandment is honor thy mother and thy father.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie. He exits.) Sometimes in the mornings I look at all the children lining up in front of school, and I'm overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and exhaustion thinking of all the pain and suffering and personal unhappiness they're going to face in their lives. (Looks sad, eats a cookie.)
4 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
But can their suffering compare with Christ's on the cross? Let us think of Christ on the cross for a moment. Try to feel the nails ripping through His hands and feet. Some experts say that the nails actually went through His wrists, which was better for keeping Him up on the cross, though of course most of the statues have the nails going right through His palms. Imagine those nails being driven through: pound, pound, pound, rip, rip, rip. Think of the crown of thorns eating into His skull, and the sense of infection that He must have felt in His brain and near His eyes. Imagine blood from His brain spurting forth through His eyes, imagine His vision squinting through a veil of red liquid, imagine thse things, and then just dare to feel sorry for the children lining up outside of school. We dare not: His suffering was greater than ours. He died for our sins! Yours and mine. We put Him up there, you did, all you people sitting out there. He loved us so much that He came all theway down to earth just so He could be nailed painfully to a cross and hang there for 3 hours. Who else has loved us as much as that? I come from a large family. My father was big and ugly, my mother had a nasty disposition and didn't like me. There were 26 of us. It took 3 hours just to wash the dishes, but Christ hung on that cross and He never complained. We lived in a small, ugly house, and I shared a room with all my sisters. My father would bring home drunken bums off the street, and let them stay in the same room as himself and my mother. "Whatever you do to the least of these, you do also to Me," Christ said. Sometimes these bums would make my mother hysterical, and we'd have to throw water on her. Thomas, could I have some more water please? And some chocolates? (Enter Thomas). Who made you?
THOMAS. God made me.
SISTER. What is the 9th commandment?
THOMAS. The 9th commandment is thou shalt not covert thy neighbor's wife.
SISTER. What is forbidden by the 9th commandment?
THOMAS. The 9th commandment forbids all indecency in thought, word and deed, whether alone or with thy neighbor's wife.
SISTER. Thank you. Go away again. (He exits.) Bring the little children unto me, Our Lord said. I don't remember in reference to what. I have your questions here on little file cards. (Reads.) If God is powerful, why does He allow evil in the world? (Gos to next card with no reaction. Reads.) Tell us some more about your family. (Smiles.) We said grace before every meal. My mother was a terrible cook. She used to boil chopped meat. She hated little children, but they couldn't use birth control. Let me explain this one more time. Birth control is wrong because God, whatever you may think about the wisdom involved, created sex for the purpose of procreation, not recreation. Everything in this world has a purpose. We eat food to feed our bodies. We don't eat and then make ourselves throw up immediately afterward, do we? So it should be with sex. Either it is done for its proper purpose, or it is just so much throwing up, morally speaking. Next question. (Reads.) Do nuns go to the bathroom? Yes. (Reads.) Was Jesus effeminate? Yes (Reads.) I have a brain tumor and am afraid of dying. What should I do? Now I thought I had explained what happens after death to you already. There is heaven, hell and purgatory. What's the problem? Oh ye of little faith, Christ said to someone. All right. As any seven year old knows, there are two kinds of sin: mortal sin and venial sin. Venial sin is the less serious kind, like if you tell a small lie to your parents, or when you take the Lord's name in vain when you break your thumb with a hammer, or when you kick a barking dog. If you dies with any venial sins on your conscience, no matter how many of them there are, you can eventually work it all out in purgatory. However--mortal sin, on the other hand, is the most serious kind of sin you can do--murder, sex outside of marriage, hijacking a plane, masturbation-- and if you die with any of these sins on your soul, even just one, you will go straight to hell and burn for all of eternity. Now to rid of yourself of
6 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
mortal sin, you must go make a good confession and vow never to do it again. If, as many of you know, you are on your way to confession to confess a mortal sin and you are struck by a car or bus before you get there, God may forgive you without confession if before you die you manage to say a good act of contrition. If you die instantaneously and are unable to say a good act of contrition, you will go straight to hell. Thomas, come read this partial list of those who are going to burn in hell. (Enter Thomas.)
THOMAS. (Reads.) Christine Keeler, Roman Polanski, Zsa Zsa Gabor, the editors of After Dark magazine, Linda Lovelace, Georgina Spelvin, Big John Holmes, Brooke Shields, David Bowie, Mick Jagger, Patty Hearst, Betty Comden, Adolph Green.
SISTER. This is just a partial list. It is added to constantly. Thomas, how can we best keep from going to hell?
THOMAS. By not committing a mortal sin, by keeping close to the sacraments, especially going to confession and receiving communion, and by obeying our parents. (She gives him a cookie.)
SISTER. Good boy. Do you love our Lord, Thomas?
THOMAS. Yes, Sister.
SISTER. How much?
THOMAS. This much. (Holds arms out wide.)
SISTER. Well, that's very nice, but Christ loves us an infinite amount. How do we know that, Thomas?
THOMAS. Because you tell us.
SISTER. That's right. And by His actions. He died on the cross for us to making up for our sins. Wasn't that nice of Him?
THOMAS. Very nice.
SISTER. And shouldn't we be grateful?
CHRISTOPHER DURANG
7
THOMAS. Yes we should.
SISTER. That's right, we should. (Gives him a cookie.) How do you spell cookie?
THOMAS. C-o-o-k-i-e.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie.) Mary has had an argument with her parents and has shot and killed them. Is that a venial sin or a mortal sin?
THOMAS. That's a mortal sin.
SISTER. If she dies with this mortal sin on her soul, will she go to heaven or to hell?
THOMAS. She will go to hell.
SISTER. Very good. How do you spell ecumenical?
THOMAS. (Gives him a cookie.) Eck--e-c-k; you-u; men-m-e-n; ical--I-c-k-l-e.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie.) What's 2 plus 2?
THOMAS. Four.
SISTER. What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
THOMAS. Nine.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie.) Because she is afraid to show her parents her bad report card, Susan goes to the top of a tall building and jumps off. Is this a venial sin or a mortal sin?
THOMAS. Mortal sin.
SISTER. And where will she go?
THOMAS. Hell.
SISTER. Sit on my lap. (He does.) Would you like to keep your pretty soprano voice forever?
THOMAS. Yes, Sister.
8 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
SISTER. Well, we'll see what we can do about it. (Sings.)
Cookies in the morning, cookies in the evening,
Cookies in the summertime.
Be my little cookie,
And love me all the time.
God, I've done so much talking, I've got to rest. Here, you take care of some of these questions, Thomas, and I'll sleep a little. (To audience.) I'll just be a minute. (Closes her eyes, he looks at cards.)
THOMAS. (Reads.) How do we know there is a God? We know that there is a God because the Church tells us so. And also because everything has a primary cause. Dinner is put on the table because the primary cause, our mother, has put it in the oven and cooked it. (Reads.) If God is all powerful, why does He allow evil? (Skips that one; next one.) What does God look like? God looks like an old man, a young man, and a small white dove.
SISTER. I'll take the next one. (Reads.) Are you ever sorry you became a nun? I am never sorry I became a nun. (Reads.) It used to be a mortal sin to eat meat on Fridays, and now it isn't. Does that mean that people who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a sin are in hell? Or what? People who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a mortal sin are indeed in hell if they did not confess the sin before they died. If they confessed it, they are not in hell, unless they did not confess some other mortal sin they committed. People who would eat meat on Fridays back in the 50s tended to be the sort who would commit other mortal sins, so on a guess, I bet many of them are in hell for other sins, even if they did confess the eating of meat. (Reads.) What exactly went on in Sodom? (Irritated.) Who asked me this question? (Reads.) I am an Aries. Is it a sin to follow your horoscope? It is a sin to follow your horoscope because only God knows the future and He won't tell us. Also, we can tell that horoscopes are false because according to astrology Christ would be a Capricorn, and Capricorn people are cold, ambitious and attracted to Scorpio and Virgo, and we know that Christ was warm, loving, and not attracted to anybody. Give me a cookie, Thomas. (He does.) I'm
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 9
going to talk about Sodom a bit. Thomas, please leave the stage. (He does.) To answer your question, Sodom is where they committed acts of homosexuality and bestiality in the Old Testament, and God, infuriated by this, destroyed them all in one fell swoop. Modern day Sodoms are New York City, San Francisco, Amsterdam, Los Angeles . . . well, basically anywhere where the population is over 50,000. The only reason that God has not destroyed these modern day Sodoms is that Catholic nuns and priests live in these cities, and God does not wish to destroy them. He does, however, give these people body lice and hepatitis. It's so hard to know why God allows wickedness to flourish. I guess it's because God wants man to choose goodness freely of his own free will; sometimes one wonders if free will is worth all the trouble if there's going to be so much evil and unhappiness, but God knows best, presumably. If it were up to me, I might be tempted to wipe out cities and civilizations, but luckily for New York and Amsterdam, I'm not God. (Reads.) Why is St. Christopher no longer a saint, and did anyone listen to the prayers I prayed to him before they decided he didn't exist? The name Christopher means Christ-bearer and we used to believe that he carried the Christ child across a river on his shoulders. Then sometime around Pope John XXIII, the Catholic Church decided that this was just a story and didn't really happen. I am not convinced that when we get to heaven we may not find that St. Christopher does indeed exist and that he dislikes Pope John XXIII; however, if he does not exist, then the prayers you prayed to him would have been picked up by St. Jude. St. Jude is the patrol saint of hopeless causes. When you have a particularly terrible problem that has little hope of being solved, you pray to St. Anthony. (Reads.) Tell us some more about your family. (Smiles, pleased.) I had 26 brothers and sisters. From my family 5 became priests, 7 became nuns, 3 became brothers, and the rest were institutionalized. My mother was also institutionalized shortly after she started thinking my father was
10 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
Satan. Some days when we were little, we'd come home and not be able to find our mother so we'd pray to St. Anthony to help us find her. Then when we'd find her with her head in the oven, we would pray to St. Jude to make her same again. Are all our prayers answered? Yes, they are; what people who ask that question often don't realize is that sometimes the answer to our prayer is "no." Dear God, please make my mother not be crazy. God's answer : no. Dear God, please let me recover from cancer. God's answer: no. Dear God, please take away this toothache. God's answer: alright, but you're going to be run over by a car. But every bad thing that happens to us, God has a special reason for. God is the good shepherd, we are His flock. And if God is grouchy or busy with more important matters, His beloved mother Mary is always there to intercede for us. I shall now sing the Hail Mary in Latin. (Sister motions to the lighting booth, and the lights change to an apparently pre-arranged special spotlight for her, atmospheric with blue spill and back lighting; the rest of the stage becomes fairly dim. Sings.)
Ave Maria,
Gratia plena,
Maria, gratia plena,
Maria, gratia plena,
Ave, Ave! . . . (etc.)
(As Sister sings, enter four people, ages 28-30. They are a woman dressed as the Blessed Mother, a man dressed as St. Joseph, and two people, a man and a woman, dressed as a camel. The Blessed Mother sits on the back of the camel, which is lead in by St. Joseph. Because of the dim lighting, we don't see them too clearly at first. Sister, either sensing something happening due to the audience or else just by turning her head, suddenly sees them and is terribly startled and confused.)
ST. JOSEPH. We're sorry we're late.
SISTER. Oh dear God. (Kneels.)
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG
11
ST. JOSEPH. Sister, what are you doing?
SISTER. You look so real.
ST. JOSEPH. Sister, I’m Gary Sullavan, and (Pointing to the Blessed Mother.) this is Diane Symonds. We were in your 5th grade class in 1959, and you asked us to come today. Don’t you remember?
SISTER. 1959?
GARY. Don't you remember asking us?
SISTER. Not very distinctly. (Louder, to lighting booth.) Could I have some lights please? (Lights come back up to where they were before. To Gary.) What did I want you to do?
GARY. You wanted us to put on a pageant.
SISTER. That camel looks false to me.
PHILOMENA. Hello, Sister. (She’s the front of the camel.)
SISTER. I thought so.
PHILOMENA. It's Philomena, Sister. Philomena Rostovitch.
ALOYSIUS. And Aloysius Benheim. (He’s the back of the camel.)
SISTER. I don’t really recognize any of you. Of course, you're not in your school uniforms.
DIANE. 1959.
SISTER. What?
DIANE. You taught us in 1959.
SISTER. I recognize you. Mary Jean Mahoney?
DIANE. I'm not Mary Jean Mahoney. I’m Diane Symonds.
SISTER. This is all so confusing.
GARY. Don’t you want to see the pageant?
SISTER. What pageant is it?
12 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
GARY. We used to perform it at Christmas in your class; every class did. You said it was written in 1948 by Mary Jean Mahoney, who was your best student, you said.
DIANE. You said she was very elevated, and that when she was in the 7th grade she didn’t have her first period, she had a stigmata.
SISTER. Oh yes. They discovered it in gym class. Mary Jean Mahoney. She entered a cloistered order of nuns upon her graduation from 12th grade. Sometimes late at night I can hear her praying. Mary Jean Mahoney. Yes, let's see her pageant again. (To audience.) She was such a bright student. (Vague.) I remember asking them to come now, I think. I wanted to tell you about Mary Jean Mahoney, and the perfect faith of a child. Yes, the pageant, please. Thomas, come watch with me. (Thomas enters and sits on Sister's lap.)
GARY. (Announcing.) The pageant of the birth and death of Our Beloved Saviour Jesus Christ, by Mary Jean Mahoney as told to Mrs. Robert J. Mahoney. The setting: a desert near Bethlehem. St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary and their trusty camel must flee from the wicked King Herod.
DIANE. (Sings; to the tune of "We Gather Together to ask the Lord's Blessings.")
Hello, my name's Mary,
And his name is Joseph,
We're parents of Jesus,
Who's not been born yet,
We're fleeing from Herod,
And nobody knows if,
We'll make it to the town,
But we'll try, you can bet.
And I'm still a virgin,
And he's not the father,
The father descended
From heaven above,
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 13
And this is our camel,
He's really not much bother,
We're off to Bethlehem,
Because God is love.
GARY. Here's an Inn, Mary. But there doesn't look like there's any room.
DIANE. Well ask them, Joseph.
GARY. (Knocks on imaginary door.) Excuse me, you don't have room at this Inn, do you? (Listens.) He said they don't, Mary.
DIANE. Oh dear. Well let's try another Inn.
GARY. (Knocks.) Excuse me, you don't have room at your Inn, do you? (Listens.) I thought not . . . What? You would? Oh, Mary, this kind innkeeper says that even though he has no room at the Inn, we can sleep in his stable.
DIANE. Do I look like a barn animal?
GARY. Mary, we really haven't any choice.
DIANE. Yes we do. Sister says we have choice over everything, because God gave us free will to decide between good and evil. And so I choose to stay in the stable.
GARY. Well here it is.
DIANE. Pew. It smells just like the zoo Mommy took me and Cynthia to visit last summer. We liked to look at the animals, but we didn't like to smell them.
GARY. I don't think there are any sheets.
DIANE. I don't need sheets, I'm so tired, I could sleep anywhere.
GARY. Well, that's good. Good night, Mary.
14
SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS
IT ALL FOR YOU
DIANE. But I do need pillows.
GARY. Mary, what can I do? We don't have any pillows.
DIANE. I can't sleep without pillows.
GARY. Let's pray to God then. If you just pray, he answers your prayers.
DIANE. Sometimes he says no, Joseph.
GARY. I know, but let's try. Dear God, we beseech thee, hear our prayer.
DIANE. Pillows! Pillows! Pillows!
GARY. And behold God answered their prayers.
CAMEL. (Philomena.) We have an idea, Mary and Joseph. We have two humps, and you can use them as pillows.
DIANE. Thank you, God! Come on, Joseph. Let's go to sleep.
CAMEL. (As Mary and Joseph start to sleep, sings a lullaby:]
Rockabye, and good night,
May God keep you and watch you,
Rockabye, and good night, (etc.)
(They sleep. Aloysius makes baby crying noises, tosses out a doll onto the floor.)
DIANE. (Seeing the doll.) Joseph, he's born. Jesus is born.
GARY,DIANE, and CAMEL. (Sings.)
Joy to the world, the Saviour's come.
Let earth receive her king,
La la la la la la la la,
La la la la la la la la,
Let heaven and nature sing,
Let heaven and nature sing,
Let heaven, and heaven, and nature sing!
GARY. (To doll.) Can you say Poppa, Jesus? Can you say Momma?
CHRISTOPHER DURANG
15
DIANE. He's not that kind of child, Joseph. He was born without original sin like me. This is called my Immaculate Conception, which is not to be confused with my Virgin Birth. Everyone makes this error, it makes me lose my patience. We must learn from him, Joseph.
GARY. (To audience.) And so Jesus instructed His parents, and the priests in the Temple, and he said many unusual things, many of them irritating to parents. Things like "Before Abraham was, I am." And "Do you not know that I must go about my father's business?" after we'd been worried to death and unable to find Him after looking for hours and hours. And He performed many miracles.
DIANE. He turned water into wine.
GARY. He made cripples walk.
DIANE. He walked on the water.
GARY. And then came the time for His crucifixion. And His mother said to him:
DIANE. (To doll.) But why, Jesus, why? Why must you be crucified? And what do you mean by "I must die so that others may know eternal life"?
GARY. And Jesus explained that because Adam and Eve, especially Eve, had sinned that mankind was cursed until Jesus could redeem us by dying on the cross.
DIANE. But that sounds silly. Why can't God just forgive us? And it's Adam and Eve anyway, not us.
GARY. But Jesus laughed at her and He said, "yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do and die." And then He said, "But seriously, mother, it is not up to God to justify His ways to man; rather man must have total and complete faith in God's wisdom, he must accept and not question, just like an innocent babe accepts and doesn't question his mommy and daddy." And then Mary said:
DIANE. I understand, Or rather, I understand that I am not supposed to understand. Come, let us go to Golgotha and watch you be crucified.
16 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
GARY. And Mary and the apostles and the faithful camel, whose name was Misty, followed Jesus to the rock of Golgotha and watched him be nailed to a cross. (Gary has a hammer and nails, and nails the doll to a little cross; then stands it up that way.)
DIANE. And Jesus looked at the two thieves crucified on either side of Him, and He said to one:
GARY. Thou art saved; and to the other, He said:
DIANE. Thou art condemned for all eternity.
GARY. And then he hung there for three hours in terrible agony.
DIANE. Imagine the agony. Try to feel the nails ripping through His hands and feet. Pound, pound, pound, rip, rip, rip. Washing the dishes for three hours is nothing compared to hanging on a cross.
GARY. And then He died. He's dead now, mary.
DIANE. (Sad, lost) Oh.
GARY. Let's go for a long walk.
DIANE. Oh, Joseph, I feel so alone.
GARY. So do I, Mary.
DIANE. (Truly wondering.) Do you think He was just a nut? Do you think maybe the Holy Ghost isn't His Father at all, that I made it all up? Maybe I'm not a virgin . . . Maybe . . .
GARY. But then Misty said . . .
CAMEL. (Philomena.) Do not despair, Mary and joseph. Of course, he is God. He'll rise again in three days.
DIANE. If only I could believe you. But why should I listen to a dumb animal?
CAMEL. (Philomena.) O ye, of little faith.
DIANE. (Sad.) Oh, Joseph, I'm losing my mind.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 17
GARY. And so Mary and Joseph and the camel hid for three days and three nights, and on Sunday morning they got up and went to the Tomb where Christ was buried. And when they got there, standing by the Tomb was an angel. And the angel spoke.
ALOYSIUS. (Back of camel.) Mary and Joseph, your son has risen from the dead, just like your dumb animal Misty told you he would.
DIANE. I can't see the angel, can you, Joseph?
ALOYSIUS. O doubting Thomases of the world, must you see and touch everything in order to believe? Mary and Joseph! Your son Jesus wishes you to go out into the world and tell the people that unless they have the faith of the dumb animal Misty they shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. For, yea I say to you, at the end of the world the first in the class will be the last in the class, the boy with A in arithmetic will get F, the girl with F in geography will get A, and those with brains will be cast down in favor of those who are like dumb animals. For thus are the ways of the Lord.
GARY. And then Mary and joseph, realizing their lack of faith, thanked Misty and made a good Act of Contrition. And then Jesus came out from behind the tree where He was hiding, they spent forty days on earth enjoying themselves and setting the groundwork for the Catholic Church, and then Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Misty ascended into heaven and lived happily ever after. (Diane and Gary, holding the doll between them, stand in front of the camel. All sing the final jubilant phrase of "Angels We Have heard on High" Christmas carol, as Diane and Gary mime ascension by waving their arms in a flying motion.)
All. (Singing.)
Glor-or-or-or-ia! In Excelsis Deo!
(All four bow. Sister applauds enthusiastically. After their bow, the four quickly get out of their costumes, continuing
18 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
To do so during some of Sister's next speech if necessary. Their "regular" clothes are indeed regular and not too moteworthy: Diane might wear slacks or jeans but with an attractive sweater or blouse and with a blazer, Gary might wear chinos, a nice shirt with even a tie, or a vest-casual but neat, pleasant; Philomena might wear a dress, Aloysius a shirt and slacks [or, if played as a bit formal, even a suit].)
SISTER. Oh, thank you, children. That was lovely. Thank you. (To audience.) The old stories really are the best, aren't they? Mary Jean Mahoney. What a good child. And what a nice reunion we're having. What year did you say you were in my class again?
GARY. 1959.
SISTER. 1959. Oh, those were happy years. Eisenhower, Pope Pius still alive, then the first Catholic president. And so now you've all grown up. Let's do some of the old questions, shall we? (To Aloysius.) Who made you?
ALOYSIUS. God made me.
SISTER. Quite correct. What is the seventh commandment?
PHILOMENA. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not steal.
SISTER. Very good. (To Diane.) What is contrition? You.
DIANE. Uh . . . being sorry for sin?
SISTER. (Cheerfully chastising.) That's not how we answer questions here, young lady. Thomas?
THOMAS. Contrition is sincere sorrow for having offended God, and hatred for the sins we have committed, with a firm purpose of sinning no more.
DIANE. Oh yes. Right.
SISTER. (Still kindly.) For someone who’s just played the Virgin, you don't know your catechism responses very well. What grade are you in?
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 19
DIANE. I'm not in a grade. I'm in life.
SISTER. Oh yes, right. Well, cookies anyone? Thomas, go bring our nice quests some cookies. (Thomas exits.) It's so nice to see you all again. You must all be married by now, I imagine. I hope you all have large families like we encouraged?
PHILOMENA. I have a little girl, age three.
SISTER. That's nice.
ALOYSIUS. I have two boys.
SISTER. I like boys. (To Gary.) And you?
GARY. I'm not married.
SISTER. Well, a nice looking boy like you, it won't be long before some pretty girl snatches you up. (To Diane.) And you?
DIANE. I don't have any children. But I've had two abortions.
(Sister is stunned. Enter Thomas with cookies.)
SISTER. No cookies, Thomas. Take them away. (Thomas exits immediately. To Diane.) You are in a state of mortal sin, young woman. What is the fifth commandment?
DIANE. Thou shalt not kill.
SISTER. You are a murderer.
DIANE. (Unemotional.) The first one was when I was raped when I was eighteen.
SISTER. Well I am sorry to hear that. But only God has power over life and death. God might have had very special plans for your baby. Are you sure I taught you?
DIANE. Yes you taught me.
SISTER. Did I give you good grades?
DIANE. Yes. Very good.
20 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
SISTER. Have you told these sins in confession?
DIANE. What sins?
GARY. You know very well what I mean.
DIANE. I don't go to confession.
SISTER. Well, it looks pretty clear to me, we'll just add you to the list of people going to hell. (Calling.) Thomas, we'll put her name right after Comden and Green. Somebody, change the subject. I don't want to hear any more about this.
GARY. (Trying to oblige.) Ummmm . . . it certainly is strange being able to chew the communion wafer now, isn't it?
SISTER. What?
GARY. Well, you used to tell us that because the communion wafer was really the body of Christ, if we chewed it, it might bleed.
SISTER. I was speaking metaphorically.
GARY. Oh.
SISTER. (Pause.) Well, I still feel shaken by that girl over there. (Points to Diane.) Let's talk about something positive. You, with the little girl. Tell me about yourself.
PHILOMENA. Well my little girl is three, and her name is Wendy.
SISTER. There is no Saint Wendy.
PHILOMENA. Her middle name is Mary.
SISTER. Wendy Mary. Too many y's. I'd change it. What does your husband do?
PHILOMENA. I don't have a husband. (Long pause.)
SISTER. Did he die?
PHILOMENA. I don't think so. I didn't know him for very long.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 21
SISTER. Do you sign your letters Mrs. Or Miss?
PHILOMENA. I don't write letters.
SISTER. Did this person you lost track of marry you before he left?
PHILOMENA. (Sad) No.
SISTER. Children, you are making me very sad. (To Philomena.) Did you get good grades in my class?
PHILOMENA. No, Sister. You said I was stupid.
SISTER. Are you a prostitute?
PHILOMENA. Sister! Certainly not. I just get lonely.
SISTER. The Mother Superior of my own convent may get lonely, but does she have illegitimate children?
ALYOSIUS. There was that nun who stuffed her baby behind her dresser last year. (Sister stares at him.) It was in the news.
SISTER. No one was addressing you, Aloysius. Philomena, my point is that loneliness does not excuse sin.
PHILOMENA. But there are worse sins. And I believe Jesus forgives me. After all, he didn't want them to stone the woman taken in adultery.
SISTER. That was merely a political gesture. In private Christ stoned many women taken in adultery.
DIANE. That's not in the Bible.
SISTER. (Suddenly very angry.) Not everything has to be in the Bible! (To audience, trying to recoup.) There's oral tradition within the Church. One priest tells another priest something, it gets passed down through the years.
PHILOMENA. (Unhappy) But don't you believe Jesus forgives people who sin?
SISTER. Yes, of course, He forgives sin, but He's tricky. You have to be truly sorry, and you have to truly resolve not to sin again, or else
22 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
He'll send you straight to hell just like the thief He was crucified next to.
PHILOMENA. I think Jesus forgives me.
SISTER. Well I think you're going to hell. (To Aloysius.) And what about you? Is there anything the matter with you?
ALOYSIUS. Nothing. I'm fine.
SISTER. But are you living properly?
ALOYSIUS. Yes.
SISTER. And you're married?
ALOYSIUS. Yes.
SISTER. And you don't use birth control?
ALOYSIUS. No.
SISTER. But you only have two children. Why is that? You're not spilling your seed like Onan, are you? That's a sin, you know.
ALOYSIUS. No. It's just chance that we haven't had more.
SISTER. And you go to Mass once a week, and communion at least once a year, and confession at least once a year? Right?
ALOYSIUS. Yes.
SISTER. Well I'm very pleased then.
ALOYSIUS. I am an alcoholic, and recently I've started to hit my wife, and I keep thinking about suicide.
SISTER. Within bounds, all those things are venial sins. At least one of my students turned out well. Of course, I don't know how hard you're hitting your wife; but with prayer and God's grace . . .
ALOYSIUS. My wife is very unhappy.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 23
SISTER. Yes, but eventually there's death. And then everlasting happiness in heaven. Some days I long for heaven. (To Gary.) And you? Have you turned out all right?
GARY. I'm okay.
SISTER. And you don't use birth control?
GARY. Definitely not.
SISTER. That's good. (Looks at him.) What do you mean, "definitely not"?
GARY. I don't use it.
SISTER. And you're not married. Have you not found the right girl?
GARY. (Evasively.) In a manner of speaking.
SISTER. (Grim.) Okay. You do that thing that makes Jesus puke, don't you?
GARY. Pardon?
SISTER. Drop the polite boy manners, buster. When your mother looks at you, she turns into a pillar of salt, right?
GARY. What?
SISTER. Sodom and Gomorrha, stupid. You sleep with men, don't you?
GARY. Well . . . yes.
SISTER. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! We have a regular cross section in here.
GARY. I got seduced when I was in the seminary. I mean, I guess I'd been denying it up to then.
SISTER. We don't want to hear about it.
GARY. And then when I left the seminary I was very upset, and then I went to New York and I slept with five hundred different people.
24 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
SISTER. Jesus is going to throw up.
GARY. But then I decided I was trashing my life, and so I only had sex with guys I had an emotional relationship with.
SISTER. That must have cut it down to about 300.
GARY. And now I'm living with this one guy who I'd gone to grade school with and only ran into again two years ago, and we're faithful with one another and stuff. He was in your class too. Jeff Hannigan.
SISTER. He was a bad boy. Some of them should be left on the side of a hill to die, and he was one.
GARY. You remember him?
SISTER. Not really. His type.
GARY. Anyway, when I met him again, he was still a practicing Catholic, and so now I am again too.
SISTER. I'd practice a little harder if I were you.
GARY. So I don't think I'm so bad.
SISTER. (Vomit sound.) Blah. You make me want to blah. Didn't any of you listen to me when I was teaching you? What were you all doing? (Mad, trying to set the record straight again.) There is the universe, created by God. Eve ate the apple, man got original sin, God sent down Jesus to redeem us, Jesus said to St. Peter, "Upon this rock," rock meaning Peter, "I build my Church," by which he meant that Peter was the first Pope and that he and the subsequent Popes would be infallible on matters of doctrine and morals. So your way is very clear; you have this infallible Church that tells you what is right and wrong, and you follow its teaching, and then you get to heaven. Didn't you all hear me say that? Did you all have wax in your ears? Did I speak in a foreign language? Or what? And you've all sinned against sex-- (To Aloysius.) not you, you're just depressed, you probably need vitamins--but the rest of you. Why this obsession with sex? The church has been very clear setting up the guidelines for you.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 25
(To Philomena and Diane.) For you two girls, why can't you simply marry one Catholic man and have as many babies as chance and the good Lord allows you to? Simple, easy to follow directions. (To Gary.) And for you, you can force yourself to marry and procreate with some nice Catholic girl -- try it, it's not so hard -- or you can be celibate for the rest of your life. Again, simple advice. (Suddenly furious.) Those are your options! No others. They are your direct paths to heaven and salvation, to everlasting happiness! Why aren't you following these paths? Are you insane?
DIANE. You're insane.
SISTER. You know, you're my least favorite person here today. I mean, the little effeminate one over there (Points to Gary.) makes me want to blah, but I can tell he once was nice, and he might get better with shock treatments wouldn't help you. You're fresh as paint, and you're nasty. I can see it in your face.
DIANE. You shouldn't be teaching children. You should be locked up in a convent where you can't hurt anybody.
SISTER. Me hurt someone. You're the one who runs around killing babies at the drop of a hat.
DIANE. It's a medical procedure. And even the Church admits it can't pinpoint when life begins in the womb. Why should you decide that the minute the sperm touches that ovum that . . .
SISTER. Don't talk filth to me, I don't want to hear it. (Suddenly very suspicious.) Why did you all come here today? I don't remember asking you.
GARY. It was Diane's idea.
SISTER. What? What was?
PHILOMENA. We wanted to embarrass you.
ALOYSIUS. None of us ever liked you.
26 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
SISTER. What do you mean? My students always loved me. I was the favorite.
ALOYSIUS. No. We thought you were a bully.
SISTER. I was the favorite.
ALOYSIUS. You never let me go to the bathroom when I needed to.
SISTER. All you had to do was raise your hand.
ALOYSIUS. There were sixty children, and I sat in the back of the room; and I did raise my hand, but you never acknowledged me. Every afternoon my bladder became very full, and I always ended up wetting my pants.
SISTER. Big deal.
ALOYSIUS. I spoke to you about recognizing me sooner, and about my problem, but all you said then was "big deal."
SISTER. I remember you. You used to make a puddle in the last row every day.
ALOYSIUS. I have bladder problems to this day.
SISTER. What a baby. You flunked. I was giving you a lesson in life, and you flunked. It was up to you to solve the problem: don't drink your little carton of milk at lunch; bring a little container with you and urinate behind your desk; or simply hold it and offer the discomfort up to Christ. He suffered three hours of agony on the cross; surely a full bladder pales by comparison. I talk about the universe and original sin and heaven and hell, and you complain to me about bathroom privileges. You're a ridiculous crybaby. (Cuffs him on the head.)
PHILOMENA. You used to hit me too.
SISTER. You probably said stupid things.
PHILOMENA. I did. I told you I was stupid. That was no reason to hit me.
SISTER. It seems a very good reason to hit you. Knock some sense into you.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 27
PHILOMENA. You used to take the point of your pencil and poke it up and down on my head when I didn't do my homework.
SISTER. You should have done your homework.
PHILOMENA. And when I didn't know how to do long division, you slammed my head against the blackboard.
SISTER. Did I ever break a bone?
PHILOMENA. No.
SISTER. There, you see! (To Gary.) And what about you?
GARY. You didn't do anything to me in particular. I just found you scary.
SISTER. Well I am scary.
GARY. But my lover Jeff doesn't like you cause you made him wet his pants too.
SISTER. All this obsession with the bladder. (To Diane.) And you, the nasty one, why did you want to embarrass me?
DIANE. (said simply.) Because I believed you. I believed how you said the world worked, and that God loved us, and the story of the Good Shepherd and the lost sheep; and I don't think you should lie to people.
SISTER. But that's how things are. I didn't lie.
DIANE. When I was sixteen, my mother got breast cancer, which spread. I prayed to God to let her suffering be small, but her suffering seemed to me quite extreme. She was in bad pain for half a year, and then terrible pain for much of a full year. The ulcerations on her body were horrifying to her and to me. Her last few weeks she slipped into a semi-conscious state, which allowed her, unfortunately, to wake up for a few minutes at a time and to have a full awareness of her pain and her fear of death. She was able to recognize me, and she would try to cry, but she was unable to; and to speak, but she was unable to. I think she wanted me to get her new doctors; she
28 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
never really accepted that her disease was going to kill her, and she thought in her panic that her doctors must be incompetent and that new ones could magically cure her. Then, thank goodness, she went into a full coma. A nurse who I knew to be Catholic assured me that everything would be done to keep her alive--a dubious comfort. Happily, the doctor was not Catholic, or if he was, not doctrinaire, and they didn't use extraordinary means to keep heralive; and she finally died after several more weeks in her coma. Now there are, I'm sure, far worse deaths--terrible burnings, tortures, plague, pestilence, famine; Christ on the cross even, as Sister likes to say. But I thought my mother's death was bad enough, and I got confused as to why I had been praying and to whom. I mean, if prayer was really this sort of button you pressed--admit you need the Lord, then He stops your suffering--then why didn't it always work? Or ever work? And when it worked, so-called, and our prayers were supposedly answered, wasn't it as likely to be chance as God? God always answers our prayers, you said. He just sometimes says no. But why would He say no to stopping my mother's suffering? I wasn't even asking that she live, just that He end her suffering. And it can't be that He was letting her suffer because she'd been bad, because she hadn't been bad and besides suffering doesn't seem to work that way, considering the suffering of children who've obviously done nothing wrong. So why was He letting her suffer? Spite? Was the Lord God actually malicious? That seemed possible, but far fetched. Maybe He had no control over it, maybe He wasn't omnipotent as you taught us He was. Maybe He created the world sort of by accident by belching one morning or getting the hiccups, and maybe He had no idea how the whole thing worked. In which case, He wouldn't be malicious, just useless. Or, of course, more likely than that, he didn't exist at all, the universe was hiccupped or belched into existence all on its own, and my mother's suffering just existed like rain or wind or humidity. I became angry at myself, and by extension at you, for ever having expected anything beyond randomness from the world. And while I was thinking these things, the day that my mother died, I was raped.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 29
Now I know that's really too much, one really loses all sympathy for me because I sound like I'm making it up or something. But bad things sometimes happen all at once, and this particular day on my return from the hospital I was raped by some maniac who broke into the house. He had a knife and cut me up some. Anyway, I don't really want to go on about the experience, but I got very depressed for about 5 years. Somehow the utter randomness of things--my mother's suffering, my attack by a lunatic who was either born a lunatic or made one by cruel parents or perhaps by an imbalance of hormones or whatever, etc. etc.--this randomness seemed intolerable. I found I grew to hate you, sister, for making me once expect everything to be ordered and to make sense. My psychiatrist said he thought my hatred of you was obsessive, that I just was looking for someone to blame. Then he seduced me, and he was the father of my second abortion.
SISTER. I think she's making all this up.
DIANE. He said I seduced him. And maybe that's so. But he could be lying just to make himself feel better. (To Sister.) And of course your idea that I should have had this baby, either baby, is preposterous. Have you any idea what a terrible mother I'd be? I'm a nervous wreck.
SISTER. God would have given you the strength.
DIANE. I suppose it is childish to look for blame, part of the randomness of things is that there is no one to blame; but basically I think everything is your fault, Sister.
SISTER. You have obviously never read the Book of Job.
DIANE. I have read it. And I think it's a nasty story.
SISTER. God explains in that story why He let us suffer, and a very lovely explanation it is too. He likes to test us so that when we choose to love Him no matter what He does to us that proves how great and deep our love for Him is.
DIANE. That sounds like "The Story of O."
30 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
SISTER. Well there's obviously no talking to you. You don't want help or knowledge or enlightenment, so there's nothing left for you but an unhappy life, sickness, death, and hell.
DIANE. Last evening I killed my psychiatrist and now I'm going to kill you. (Takes out a gun.)
GARY. Oh dear. I thought we were just going to embarrass her.
SISTER. (Stalling for time.) And you have, very much so. So no need to kill me at all. Goodbye, Diane, Gary, Aloysius . . .
DIANE. You're insane. You shouldn't be allowed to teach children. I see that there's that little boy here today. You're going to make him crazy.
SISTER. Thomas, stay off-stage with the cookies, dear.
DIANE. I want you to admit that everything's your fault, and then I'm going to kill you.
PHILOMENA. Maybe we should all wait outside.
SISTER. Stay here. Diane, look at me. I was wrong. I admit it. I'm sorry. I thought everything made sense, but I didn't understand things properly. There's nothing I can say to make it up to you but . . . . (Seeing something awful behind Diane's head.) LOOK OUT! (Diane looks behind her, Sister whips out her own gun and shoots Diane dead. Sister like a circus artist completing a stunt, hands up:) Ta-da! For those non-Catholics present, murder is allowable in self-defense, one doesn't even have to tell it in confession. Thomas, bring me some water.
GARY. We didn't know she was bringing a gun. (Thomas brings water.)
SISTER. We didn't know she was bringing a gun. (Looks at her dead body.) She had no sense of humor.
ALOYSIUS. I have to go to the bathroom.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 31
SISTER. (Aims gun at him.) Stay where you are. Raise your hand if you want to go to the bathroom, Aloysius, and wait until I have acknowledged you. (She ignores him now, though keeps gun aimed at him most of the time.) Thomas, bring me a cookie. (He does.) Most of my students turned out beautifully, these are the few exceptions. But we never give up on those who've turned out badly, do we, Thomas? What is the story of the Good Shepherd and the Lost Sheep?
THOMAS. The Good Shepherd was so concerned about his Lost Sheep that he left his flock to go find the Lost Sheep, and then He found it.
SISTER. That's right. And while he was gone, a great big wolf came and killed his entire flock. No, just kidding, I'm feeling lightheaded from all this excitement. No, by the story of the Lost Sheep, Christ tells us that when a sinner strays we mustn't give up on the sinner. (Sister indicates for Thomas to exit, he does.) So I don't totally despair for these people standing here. Gary, I hope that you will leave your friend Jeff, don't even tell him where you're going, just disappear, and then I hope you will live your life as a celibate. Like me. Celibate rhymes with celebrate. Our Lord loves celibate people. And you, Philomena, I hope you will get married to some nice Catholic man, of if you stay unmarried then you too will become a celibate. Rhymes with celebrate.
ALOYSIUS. Sister, I have my hand up.
SISTER. Keep it up. And you, Aloysius, I hope you'll remember not to kill yourself, which is a mortal sin. For if we live by God's laws even though we are having a miserable life, remember heaven and eternal happiness are our reward.
GARY. Should we help you with the body, Sister?
SISTER. The janitor will help me later, thank you. You two may go now, so I can finish my lecture.
32 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
GARY. Why don't you let him go to the bathroom?
SISTER. Gary?
GARY. Yes, Sister?
SISTER. You still believe what you do with Jeff is wrong, don't you? I mean, you still confess it in confession, don't you?
GARY. Well I don't really think it's wrong, but I'm not sure, so I do still tell it in confession.
SISTER. When did you last go to confession?
ALOYSIUS. This morning actually. I was going to be playing Saint Joseph and all.
SISTER. And you haven't sinned since then, have you?
GARY. No, sister. (Sister shoots him dead.)
SISTER. (Triumphantly.) I've sent him to heaven! (To Philomena.) Okay, you with the little girl, go home before I decide your little girl would be better off in a Catholic orphanage. (Philomena exits in terror. To audience.) I'm not really within the letter of the law shooting Gary like this, but really if he did make a good confession I have sent him straight to heaven and eternal, blissful happiness. And I'm afraid otherwise he would have ended up in hell. I think Christ will allow me this little dispensation from the letter of the law, but I'll go to confession later today, just to be sure.
ALOYSIUS. Sister, I have to go to the bathroom.
SISTER. Wait until I recognize you, Aloysius.
SISTER. (Angry, emphasizing the gun.) I've used this twice today, don't tempt me to use it again. Thomas! (He enters.) Who made you?
THOMAS. God made me.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 33
SISTER. Why did God make you?
THOMAS. God made me to show forth his goodness and to share with us His happiness.
ALOYSIUS. If you don't let me go the the bathroom, I'm going to wet my pants.
SISTER. We all have free will, Aloysius. Thomas, explain about the primary cause again.
THOMAS. Everything has a primary cause. Dinner is put on the table because the primary cause . . .
SISTER. Thomas, I'm going to nap some, I'm exhausted. (Hands him gun.) You keep that dangerous man over there covered, and if he moves shoot him; and also recite some nice catechism questions for us all while I rest. All right, dear?
THOMAS. Yes, Sister. (Sister sits on a chair and naps. Thomas sits on her lap, aiming the gun at Aloysius, and recites from memory.)
"What must we do to gain the happiness of heaven?"
To gain the happiness of heaven, we must know,
Love, and serve God in this world.
(Lights start to dim.)
"From whom do we learn to know, love and serve God?"
We learn to know, love, and serve God from Jesus
Christ, the Son of God, who teaches us through the
Catholic Church.
"What are some of the perfections of God?"
Some of the perfections of God are: God is eternal,
All-good, all-knowing, all-present, and almighty.
(Lights have dimmed to black.)
34 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
ADDENDUM (Author's Notes)
Since scripts are so open to interpretations, I wanted to suggest some things to avoid, as well as to aim for, in presenting this play; and to make a few clarifications.
The casting of Sister Mary is obviously of the utmost importance. In casting for the Ensemble Studio Theatre production, we saw a great many different types for Sister; and these auditions were helpful in suggesting the various pitfalls of casting and playing the role.
For starters, it's a mistake to have an actress play (or, worse, seem to be) mean. Though a strident, bullying approach may work in an audition and even be funny, it can't really sustain for the whole play; we see Sister kill two people at the end of the play, we shouldn't expect her to do so five minutes after we first see her. (There are places, of course, where Sister should be strident and bullying; but it should be underneath and revealed only sometimes.) Also, perhaps more importantly, the strength and power of figures like Sister Mary (or, say, Jean Brodie) is in their charm; we believe them because they take us in. If Sister were obviously a horror, we'd know not to believe her.
In line with this, the relationship between Sister and Thomas should have warmth and even love. It's true that she presents him as one might present a dog doing tricks; and yet he does all the tricks well, and she rewards him with not only cookies but warmth, approval, bounces on the knee, etc. All this fondness and attention could easily make Thomas adore Sister.
The actress playing Sister should avoid commenting on her role. (All the actors should avoid commenting.) The humor works best when presented straight. That is, it's fine that we as an audience think it outrageous that Sister contemplates Thomas' castration to save his pretty voice; the actress should not indicate her own awareness of this outrageousness (that kind of comic-wink acting that is effective sometimes in a skit, rarely in a play). Sister thinks nothing
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 35
is wrong with her contemplation, and it's only her feelings we should see.
In terms of age range for Sister, anywhere between forty and sixty seems correct to me. The over-sixty, more grand-motherly-looking actresses we auditioned seemed to throw the play out of whack: they seemed less powerful and more dotty, and also we felt bad for them when the ex-students berated them.
It is possible to consider casting someone younger as Sister, though you will lose the important theatrical fact of having three generations on stage. However, depending on your casting resources, a younger Sister Mary with comic flair and believability is, of course, preferable to an older one with neither attribute.
One other thought in terms of casting: the excellent Sister Mary at E.S.T., Elizabeth Franz, also brought to the role a delicate femininity that was true to a certain kind of real-life nun, very much added to her charm with Thomas and with the audience, and was an extremely effective starting point that nowhere tipped off sister's potential for murderous rages.
Thomas should be seven or eight, and be smart and polite. There should be no attempt to play up his being child (like having him not be able to read the list of names going to hell; he should read them easily). An older child could play it, but seven or eight has a genuine innocence that can't be faked--an innocence which is central to the play's meaning.
The tone of the pageant is tricky. It should be childlike, as opposed to childish. It is thirty year olds performing it, so they shouldn't pretend to be children, but they can't act like adults precisely either. They should be simple and direct, presenting the story as if we didn't know it and as if it didn't have a child's imprint on the writing. Lots of busy stage business making fun of clunky amateur productions will get in the way.
There is an enormous trap to be avoided in the playing of the four ex-students, and that centers around their apparent plot to come to Sister's lecture to "embarrass" her.
36 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
For starters, you mustn't play the plot as a subtext in the pageant or really anywhere before it's mentioned because the audience simply won't know what you're doing. Plus, there's a further trap: if you choose to play that the four have come to embarrass sister by telling her how much they've strayed from her teaching (Philomena's illegitimate child, Gary's being gay), those revelation scenes won't work comically (as they're intended) because the comedy is based partially on Gary and Philomena not meaning to reveal what Sister drags out of them.
I think to make sense of the “plot” (happily, this is something the audience doesn’t really have time to brood about) one would have to imagine Diane calling up the other three with an extremely vague plan: let’s put on that pageant, which is so silly and which will disrupt her lecture; then the “point” of the intrusion will be to eventually tell Sister that she’s not fondly remembered (her temper, her not letting people go the the bathroom, etc.). Or mabe the plan is only to put on the pageant, just as a joke to themselves on their past. The vaguer you allow the plan to be in your head, the less saddled with unnecessary subtext you’ll be and the more easily (and humorously) the various confrontations with Sister will play. (Diane’s sense of the plan has to be different and darker than the others, of course, because she’s packing a gun; but even she can be unsure of what she’s going to do. Note: I do see the logic of Diane showing some of her bitterness and edge in the pageant, but I warn against it as confusing to the audience and as destructive to the enjoyment of the pageant.)
A final danger in playing the foursome: avoid kvetching (admittedly tricky since complaining is more or less what they’re doing in some sections). With Philomena’s complaints about being hit and with Aloysius’ complaints about the bathroom, it’s important to find a balance between the legitimate complaints (Sister was indeed spiteful) and the fact that Philomena and Aloysius are near thirty and that these things are in the past. Apropos of this, real horror and sense memory of what it was like not to go to the bathroom are to be avoided; if the complaints are presented too hysterically, the people
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 37
will seem stupid and I don’t want them to be stupid. It’s difficult: I don’t want them to be blase either. It’s a balance that’s needed, that sense of having the character know it’s childish to still be angry but to nonetheless still be angry.
A word or two about Diane’s monologue. It is obviously meant very seriously, but though it has a high emotional content, the actress should be very careful in how much emotion she lets through and when. In auditions, some actresses ranted and raved and wept in the speech, and it was ungodly. Diane’s speech is very verbal, and very methodically point-by-point; hysteria is an illogical interpretation of the tone and content of what she’s saying.
The speech has so much charged material (the mother’s death, the rape) that one must also be careful not to ask for sympathy.
It might be helpful in approaching the speech to remember that what she describes happened many years ago (not that she’s not traumatized, it’s just that time has taken some of the immediacy away at least); and also that Diane tries to distance herself from the pain she feels by being analytic. The tone of much of the speech, whatever underlying sadness might come through, should be factual, her attempt at distancing herself: this happened to me, and then I thought that, but that wasn’t true, so then I thought this and this, etc.
There is, though, probably a natural place (among other possibilities) for the anger and pain to break through all this distancing, and that’s on “?this randomness seemed intorable,” which both follows a particularly futile attempt at reasoning things out (her run-on, off-the-point comments on what made the rapist a rapist) and is also the core of what she hates Sister for: making her expect and desire order where there doesn’t seem to be any.
Some miscellaneous things:
At E.S.T. we cast Aloysius as an Italian street kid grown up, and changed his last name to Busiccio. This seemed to work fine, and is
38 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
an option. The other option, I'd presume, is to present him as tense, formal, uptight, and of undetermined ancestry. (Note: with the latter option, be careful that the interpretation does not imply homosexuality in any way, which would throw the play's balance off.)
Gary is not meant to be effeminate. Sister's comment to that effect is meant to show her prejudice, not reflect any reality.
When Gary says "Definitely not" to Sister's query as to whether he uses birth control, I don't mean for him to be playing cat-and-mouse with her or to be making some smirking allusion to being gay; it's simply that he indeed doesn't use birth control and he says "definitely not" quickly, without thinking what it might imply. The scene plays comically if she draws these facts out of him unwittingly; otherwise we're back in the "revenge plot" trap again.
"Celibate" does not rhyme with "celebrate," nor (in my mind) does Sister think it does. I prefer that she pronounce both words properly and then says they rhyme because she wants them to; it sort of extends her power to say blatantly false things when she feels like it, to make a point (as when she says Christ stoned many women taken in adultery).
In production, we found having Sister's gun right in the lectern (out of sight) worked best, with Sister standing conveniently behind it. Having it in her habit seemed unworkable. Diane's gun, though, seemed to fit inside her blazer successfully.
ADDENDUM (Author's Notes) 한국어 요약
연극대본은 원래 다양하게 해석될 여지가 많으므로 이 연극을 공연할 때 피해야 할 점과 목표로 삼아야 할 점에 대해 몇가지 제안을 하고 아울러 몇가지 점들을 보다 분명히 해야 할 필요를 느껴서 이 글을 쓰게 되었다.
Since scripts are so open to interpretations, I wanted
to suggest some things to avoid, as well as to aim for, in presenting this play;
and to make a few clarifications.
마리아수녀의 배역을 누구로 정하느냐하는 문제는 매우 중요하다. Ensemble Studio Theatre의 공연을 위하여 배역을 정하는 과정에서 오디션을 실시했더니 아주 다양한 유형의 마리아수녀를 접하게 되었다. 이 오디션은 배역을 정하고 역할을 연기하면서 피해가야 할 많은 함정이 있음을 시사해주고 있어서 매우 큰 도움이 되었다고 생각한다.
The casting of Sister Mary is obviously of the utmost
importance. In casting for the Ensemble Studio Theatre production, we saw a
great many different types for Sister; and these auditions were helpful in suggesting
the various pitfalls of casting and playing the role.
For starters, it's a mistake to have an actress play (or, worse, seem to be) mean. Though a strident, bullying approach may work in an audition and even be funny, it can't really sustain for the whole play; we see Sister kill two people at the end of the play, we shouldn't expect her to do so five minutes after we first see her. (There are places, of course, where Sister should be strident and bullying; but it should be underneath and revealed only sometimes.) Also, perhaps more importantly, the strength and power of figures like Sister Mary (or, say, Jean Brodie) is in their charm; we believe them because they take us in. If Sister were obviously a horror, we'd know not to believe her.
In line with this, the relationship between Sister and Thomas should have warmth and even love. It's true that she presents him as one might present a dog doing tricks; and yet he does all the tricks well, and she rewards him with not only cookies but warmth, approval, bounces on the knee, etc. All this fondness and attention could easily make Thomas adore Sister.
The actress playing Sister should avoid commenting on her role. (All the actors should avoid commenting.) The humor works best when presented straight. That is, it's fine that we as an audience think it outrageous that Sister contemplates Thomas' castration to save his pretty voice; the actress should not indicate her own awareness of this outrageousness (that kind of comic-wink acting that is effective sometimes in a skit, rarely in a play). Sister thinks nothing
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 35
is wrong with her contemplation, and it's only her feelings we should see.
In terms of age range for Sister, anywhere between forty and sixty seems correct to me. The over-sixty, more grand-motherly-looking actresses we auditioned seemed to throw the play out of whack: they seemed less powerful and more dotty, and also we felt bad for them when the ex-students berated them.
It is possible to consider casting someone younger as Sister, though you will lose the important theatrical fact of having three generations on stage. However, depending on your casting resources, a younger Sister Mary with comic flair and believability is, of course, preferable to an older one with neither attribute.
One other thought in terms of casting: the excellent Sister Mary at E.S.T., Elizabeth Franz, also brought to the role a delicate femininity that was true to a certain kind of real-life nun, very much added to her charm with Thomas and with the audience, and was an extremely effective starting point that nowhere tipped off sister's potential for murderous rages.
Thomas should be seven or eight, and be smart and polite. There should be no attempt to play up his being child (like having him not be able to read the list of names going to hell; he should read them easily). An older child could play it, but seven or eight has a genuine innocence that can't be faked--an innocence which is central to the play's meaning.
The tone of the pageant is tricky. It should be childlike, as opposed to childish. It is thirty year olds performing it, so they shouldn't pretend to be children, but they can't act like adults precisely either. They should be simple and direct, presenting the story as if we didn't know it and as if it didn't have a child's imprint on the writing. Lots of busy stage business making fun of clunky amateur productions will get in the way.
There is an enormous trap to be avoided in the playing of the four ex-students, and that centers around their apparent plot to come to Sister's lecture to "embarrass" her.
36 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
For starters, you mustn't play the plot as a subtext in the pageant or really anywhere before it's mentioned because the audience simply won't know what you're doing. Plus, there's a further trap: if you choose to play that the four have come to embarrass sister by telling her how much they've strayed from her teaching (Philomena's illegitimate child, Gary's being gay), those revelation scenes won't work comically (as they're intended) because the comedy is based partially on Gary and Philomena not meaning to reveal what Sister drags out of them.
I think to make sense of the “plot” (happily, this is something the audience doesn’t really have time to brood about) one would have to imagine Diane calling up the other three with an extremely vague plan: let’s put on that pageant, which is so silly and which will disrupt her lecture; then the “point” of the intrusion will be to eventually tell Sister that she’s not fondly remembered (her temper, her not letting people go the the bathroom, etc.). Or mabe the plan is only to put on the pageant, just as a joke to themselves on their past. The vaguer you allow the plan to be in your head, the less saddled with unnecessary subtext you’ll be and the more easily (and humorously) the various confrontations with Sister will play. (Diane’s sense of the plan has to be different and darker than the others, of course, because she’s packing a gun; but even she can be unsure of what she’s going to do. Note: I do see the logic of Diane showing some of her bitterness and edge in the pageant, but I warn against it as confusing to the audience and as destructive to the enjoyment of the pageant.)
A final danger in playing the foursome: avoid kvetching (admittedly tricky since complaining is more or less what they’re doing in some sections). With Philomena’s complaints about being hit and with Aloysius’ complaints about the bathroom, it’s important to find a balance between the legitimate complaints (Sister was indeed spiteful) and the fact that Philomena and Aloysius are near thirty and that these things are in the past. Apropos of this, real horror and sense memory of what it was like not to go to the bathroom are to be avoided; if the complaints are presented too hysterically, the people
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 37
will seem stupid and I don’t want them to be stupid. It’s difficult: I don’t want them to be blase either. It’s a balance that’s needed, that sense of having the character know it’s childish to still be angry but to nonetheless still be angry.
A word or two about Diane’s monologue. It is obviously meant very seriously, but though it has a high emotional content, the actress should be very careful in how much emotion she lets through and when. In auditions, some actresses ranted and raved and wept in the speech, and it was ungodly. Diane’s speech is very verbal, and very methodically point-by-point; hysteria is an illogical interpretation of the tone and content of what she’s saying.
The speech has so much charged material (the mother’s death, the rape) that one must also be careful not to ask for sympathy.
It might be helpful in approaching the speech to remember that what she describes happened many years ago (not that she’s not traumatized, it’s just that time has taken some of the immediacy away at least); and also that Diane tries to distance herself from the pain she feels by being analytic. The tone of much of the speech, whatever underlying sadness might come through, should be factual, her attempt at distancing herself: this happened to me, and then I thought that, but that wasn’t true, so then I thought this and this, etc.
There is, though, probably a natural place (among other possibilities) for the anger and pain to break through all this distancing, and that’s on “?this randomness seemed intorable,” which both follows a particularly futile attempt at reasoning things out (her run-on, off-the-point comments on what made the rapist a rapist) and is also the core of what she hates Sister for: making her expect and desire order where there doesn’t seem to be any.
Some miscellaneous things:
At E.S.T. we cast Aloysius as an Italian street kid grown up, and changed his last name to Busiccio. This seemed to work fine, and is
38 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
an option. The other option, I'd presume, is to present him as tense, formal, uptight, and of undetermined ancestry. (Note: with the latter option, be careful that the interpretation does not imply homosexuality in any way, which would throw the play's balance off.)
Gary is not meant to be effeminate. Sister's comment to that effect is meant to show her prejudice, not reflect any reality.
When Gary says "Definitely not" to Sister's query as to whether he uses birth control, I don't mean for him to be playing cat-and-mouse with her or to be making some smirking allusion to being gay; it's simply that he indeed doesn't use birth control and he says "definitely not" quickly, without thinking what it might imply. The scene plays comically if she draws these facts out of him unwittingly; otherwise we're back in the "revenge plot" trap again.
"Celibate" does not rhyme with "celebrate," nor (in my mind) does Sister think it does. I prefer that she pronounce both words properly and then says they rhyme because she wants them to; it sort of extends her power to say blatantly false things when she feels like it, to make a point (as when she says Christ stoned many women taken in adultery).
In production, we found having Sister's gun right in the lectern (out of sight) worked best, with Sister standing conveniently behind it. Having it in her habit seemed unworkable. Diane's gun, though, seemed to fit inside her blazer successfully.