A One-Act Play by
CHRISTOPHER DURANG
SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU was first presented by the Ensemble Studio Theatre, in New York City, on a bill with one-act plays by David Mamet, Marsha Norman, and Tennessee Williams, on December 14, 1979. The production was directed by Jerry Zakes; set design by Brian Martin; light design by Marie Louise Moreto; costume design by Madeline Cohen.
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CHARACTERS
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SISTER MARY IGNATIUS
THOMAS
GARY SULLAVAN
DIANE SYMONDS
PHILOMENA RESTOVITCH
ALOYSIUS BENHELM
Enter Sister Mary Ignatius, dressed in an old-fashioned nun¡¯s habit. The stage is fairly simple. There should be a lectern, a potted palm, a few chairs. There is also an easel, or some sort of stand, on which are several drawings made on cardboard; the only one we can see at the top of the play is either blank or is a simple cross. Sister looks at the audience until she has their attention, then smiles, albeit somewhat wearily. She then begins her lecture, addressing the audience directly.
SISTER.(Crossing herself.) : In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen. (Shows the next drawing on the easel, which is a neat if childlike picture of the planet earth, the sun, and moon.) First there is the earth. Near the earth is the sun, and also nearby is the moon. (Goes to next picture which, split in three, shows the gates of heaven amid clouds; some sort of murky area of paths, or some other image that might suggest waiting, wandering, and a third area of people burning up in flames, with little devils with little pitchforks, poking them.) Outside the universe, where we go after death, is heaven, hell, and purgatory. Heaven is where we live in eternal bliss with our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows her head.) Hell is where we are eternally deprived of the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ (Bows her head.), and are thus miserable. This is the greatest agony of hell, but there are also unspeakable physical torments, which we shall nonetheless speak of later. Purgatory is the middle area where we go after death to suffer if we have not been perfect in our lives and are thus not ready for heaven, or if we have not received the sacraments and made a good confession to a priest right before our death. Purgatory, depending on our sins, can go on for a very, very long time and is fairly unpleasant. Though we do not yet know whether there is any physical torment in purgatory, we do know that there is much psychological torment because we are being delayed from being in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows her head.) For those non-Catholics present, I bow my head to show respect for our Saviour when I say His Name. Our Lord Jesus Christ.
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(Bows head.) Our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows head.) Our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows head.) You can expect to be in purgatory for anywhere from 300 years to 700 billion years. This may sound like forever, but don't forget in terms of eternity 700 billion years does come to an end. All things come to an end except our Lord Jesus Christ. (Bows head. Points to the drawing again, reviewing her point.) Heaven, hell, purgatory. (Smiles. Goes to the next drawing which, like that of purgatory, is of a murky area, perhaps with a prison-like fence, and which has unhappy baby-like creatures floating about in it.) There is also limbo, which is where unbaptized babies were sent for eternity before the Ecumenical Council and Pope John XXIII. The unbaptized babies sent to limbo never leave limbo and so never get to heaven, Now unbaptized babies are sent straight to purgatory where, presumably, someone baptizes them and then they are sent on to heaven. The unbaptized babies who died before the Ecumenical Council, however, remain in limbo and will never be admitted to heaven. Limbo is not all that unpleasant, it's just that it isn't heaven and you never leave there. I want to be very clear about the Immaculate Conception. It does not mean that the Blessed Mother gave birth to Christ without the prior unpleasantness of physical intimacy. That is true but is not called the Immaculate Conception; that is called the Virgin Birth. The Immaculate Conception means that the Blessed Mother was herself born without original sin. Everyone makes this error, it makes me lose my patience. That Mary's conception was immaculate is an infallible statement. A lot of fault-finding non-Catholics run around saying that Catholics believe that the Pope is infallible whenever he speaks. This is untrue. The Pope is infallible only on certain occasions, when he speaks "ex cathedra," which is Latin for "out of the cathedral." When he speaks ex cathedra, we must accept what he says at that moment as dogma, or risk hell fire; or, now that things are becoming more liberal, many, many years in purgatory. I would now like a glass of water. Thomas. (Enter Thomas dressed as parochial school boy with tie and blazer. It would be nice if he could look age 7.) This is Thomas, he is seven years old
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and in the second grade of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow School. Seven is the age of reason, so now that Thomas has turned seven he is capable of choosing to commit sin or not to commit sin, and God will hold him accountable for whatever he does. Isn't that so, Thomas?
THOMAS. Yes, Sister.
SISTER. Before we turn seven, God tends to pay no attention to the bad things we do because He knows we can know no better. Once we turn seven, He feels we are capable of knowing. Thomas, who made you?
THOMAS. God made me.
SISTER. Why did God make you?
THOMAS. God made me to show forth His goodness and share with us His happiness.
SISTER. What is the sixth commandment?
THOMAS. The sixth commandment is thou shalt not commit adultery.
SISTER. What is forbidden by the sixth commandment?
THOMAS. The sixth commandment forbids all impurities in thought, word or deed, whether alone or with others.
SISTER. That's correct, Thomas. (Gives him a cookie.) Thomas has a lovely soprano voice which the Church used to preserve by creating castrati, Thomas unfortunately will lose his soprano voice in a few years and will receive facial hair and psychological difficulties in its place. To me, it is not a worthwhile exchange. You may go now, Thomas. What is the fourth commandment?
THOMAS. The fourth commandment is honor thy mother and thy father.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie. He exits.) Sometimes in the mornings I look at all the children lining up in front of school, and I'm overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and exhaustion thinking of all the pain and suffering and personal unhappiness they're going to face in their lives. (Looks sad, eats a cookie.)
4 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
But can their suffering compare with Christ's on the cross? Let us think of Christ on the cross for a moment. Try to feel the nails ripping through His hands and feet. Some experts say that the nails actually went through His wrists, which was better for keeping Him up on the cross, though of course most of the statues have the nails going right through His palms. Imagine those nails being driven through: pound, pound, pound, rip, rip, rip. Think of the crown of thorns eating into His skull, and the sense of infection that He must have felt in His brain and near His eyes. Imagine blood from His brain spurting forth through His eyes, imagine His vision squinting through a veil of red liquid, imagine thse things, and then just dare to feel sorry for the children lining up outside of school. We dare not: His suffering was greater than ours. He died for our sins! Yours and mine. We put Him up there, you did, all you people sitting out there. He loved us so much that He came all theway down to earth just so He could be nailed painfully to a cross and hang there for 3 hours. Who else has loved us as much as that? I come from a large family. My father was big and ugly, my mother had a nasty disposition and didn't like me. There were 26 of us. It took 3 hours just to wash the dishes, but Christ hung on that cross and He never complained. We lived in a small, ugly house, and I shared a room with all my sisters. My father would bring home drunken bums off the street, and let them stay in the same room as himself and my mother. "Whatever you do to the least of these, you do also to Me," Christ said. Sometimes these bums would make my mother hysterical, and we'd have to throw water on her. Thomas, could I have some more water please? And some chocolates? (Enter Thomas). Who made you?
THOMAS. God made me.
SISTER. What is the 9th commandment?
THOMAS. The 9th commandment is thou shalt not covert thy neighbor's wife.
SISTER. What is forbidden by the 9th commandment?
THOMAS. The 9th commandment forbids all indecency in thought, word and deed, whether alone or with thy neighbor's wife.
SISTER. Thank you. Go away again. (He exits.) Bring the little children unto me, Our Lord said. I don't remember in reference to what. I have your questions here on little file cards. (Reads.) If God is powerful, why does He allow evil in the world? (Gos to next card with no reaction. Reads.) Tell us some more about your family. (Smiles.) We said grace before every meal. My mother was a terrible cook. She used to boil chopped meat. She hated little children, but they couldn't use birth control. Let me explain this one more time. Birth control is wrong because God, whatever you may think about the wisdom involved, created sex for the purpose of procreation, not recreation. Everything in this world has a purpose. We eat food to feed our bodies. We don't eat and then make ourselves throw up immediately afterward, do we? So it should be with sex. Either it is done for its proper purpose, or it is just so much throwing up, morally speaking. Next question. (Reads.) Do nuns go to the bathroom? Yes. (Reads.) Was Jesus effeminate? Yes (Reads.) I have a brain tumor and am afraid of dying. What should I do? Now I thought I had explained what happens after death to you already. There is heaven, hell and purgatory. What's the problem? Oh ye of little faith, Christ said to someone. All right. As any seven year old knows, there are two kinds of sin: mortal sin and venial sin. Venial sin is the less serious kind, like if you tell a small lie to your parents, or when you take the Lord's name in vain when you break your thumb with a hammer, or when you kick a barking dog. If you dies with any venial sins on your conscience, no matter how many of them there are, you can eventually work it all out in purgatory. However--mortal sin, on the other hand, is the most serious kind of sin you can do--murder, sex outside of marriage, hijacking a plane, masturbation-- and if you die with any of these sins on your soul, even just one, you will go straight to hell and burn for all of eternity. Now to rid of yourself of
6 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
mortal sin, you must go make a good confession and vow never to do it again. If, as many of you know, you are on your way to confession to confess a mortal sin and you are struck by a car or bus before you get there, God may forgive you without confession if before you die you manage to say a good act of contrition. If you die instantaneously and are unable to say a good act of contrition, you will go straight to hell. Thomas, come read this partial list of those who are going to burn in hell. (Enter Thomas.)
THOMAS. (Reads.) Christine Keeler, Roman Polanski, Zsa Zsa Gabor, the editors of After Dark magazine, Linda Lovelace, Georgina Spelvin, Big John Holmes, Brooke Shields, David Bowie, Mick Jagger, Patty Hearst, Betty Comden, Adolph Green.
SISTER. This is just a partial list. It is added to constantly. Thomas, how can we best keep from going to hell?
THOMAS. By not committing a mortal sin, by keeping close to the sacraments, especially going to confession and receiving communion, and by obeying our parents. (She gives him a cookie.)
SISTER. Good boy. Do you love our Lord, Thomas?
THOMAS. Yes, Sister.
SISTER. How much?
THOMAS. This much. (Holds arms out wide.)
SISTER. Well, that's very nice, but Christ loves us an infinite amount. How do we know that, Thomas?
THOMAS. Because you tell us.
SISTER. That's right. And by His actions. He died on the cross for us to making up for our sins. Wasn't that nice of Him?
THOMAS. Very nice.
SISTER. And shouldn't we be grateful?
CHRISTOPHER DURANG
7
THOMAS. Yes we should.
SISTER. That's right, we should. (Gives him a cookie.) How do you spell cookie?
THOMAS. C-o-o-k-i-e.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie.) Mary has had an argument with her parents and has shot and killed them. Is that a venial sin or a mortal sin?
THOMAS. That's a mortal sin.
SISTER. If she dies with this mortal sin on her soul, will she go to heaven or to hell?
THOMAS. She will go to hell.
SISTER. Very good. How do you spell ecumenical?
THOMAS. (Gives him a cookie.) Eck--e-c-k; you-u; men-m-e-n; ical--I-c-k-l-e.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie.) What's 2 plus 2?
THOMAS. Four.
SISTER. What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?
THOMAS. Nine.
SISTER. Very good. (Gives him a cookie.) Because she is afraid to show her parents her bad report card, Susan goes to the top of a tall building and jumps off. Is this a venial sin or a mortal sin?
THOMAS. Mortal sin.
SISTER. And where will she go?
THOMAS. Hell.
SISTER. Sit on my lap. (He does.) Would you like to keep your pretty soprano voice forever?
THOMAS. Yes, Sister.
8 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
SISTER. Well, we'll see what we can do about it. (Sings.)
Cookies in the morning, cookies in the evening,
Cookies in the summertime.
Be my little cookie,
And love me all the time.
God, I've done so much talking, I've got to rest. Here, you take care of some of these questions, Thomas, and I'll sleep a little. (To audience.) I'll just be a minute. (Closes her eyes, he looks at cards.)
THOMAS. (Reads.) How do we know there is a God? We know that there is a God because the Church tells us so. And also because everything has a primary cause. Dinner is put on the table because the primary cause, our mother, has put it in the oven and cooked it. (Reads.) If God is all powerful, why does He allow evil? (Skips that one; next one.) What does God look like? God looks like an old man, a young man, and a small white dove.
SISTER. I'll take the next one. (Reads.) Are you ever sorry you became a nun? I am never sorry I became a nun. (Reads.) It used to be a mortal sin to eat meat on Fridays, and now it isn't. Does that mean that people who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a sin are in hell? Or what? People who ate meat on Fridays back when it was a mortal sin are indeed in hell if they did not confess the sin before they died. If they confessed it, they are not in hell, unless they did not confess some other mortal sin they committed. People who would eat meat on Fridays back in the 50s tended to be the sort who would commit other mortal sins, so on a guess, I bet many of them are in hell for other sins, even if they did confess the eating of meat. (Reads.) What exactly went on in Sodom? (Irritated.) Who asked me this question? (Reads.) I am an Aries. Is it a sin to follow your horoscope? It is a sin to follow your horoscope because only God knows the future and He won't tell us. Also, we can tell that horoscopes are false because according to astrology Christ would be a Capricorn, and Capricorn people are cold, ambitious and attracted to Scorpio and Virgo, and we know that Christ was warm, loving, and not attracted to anybody. Give me a cookie, Thomas. (He does.) I'm
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 9
going to talk about Sodom a bit. Thomas, please leave the stage. (He does.) To answer your question, Sodom is where they committed acts of homosexuality and bestiality in the Old Testament, and God, infuriated by this, destroyed them all in one fell swoop. Modern day Sodoms are New York City, San Francisco, Amsterdam, Los Angeles . . . well, basically anywhere where the population is over 50,000. The only reason that God has not destroyed these modern day Sodoms is that Catholic nuns and priests live in these cities, and God does not wish to destroy them. He does, however, give these people body lice and hepatitis. It's so hard to know why God allows wickedness to flourish. I guess it's because God wants man to choose goodness freely of his own free will; sometimes one wonders if free will is worth all the trouble if there's going to be so much evil and unhappiness, but God knows best, presumably. If it were up to me, I might be tempted to wipe out cities and civilizations, but luckily for New York and Amsterdam, I'm not God. (Reads.) Why is St. Christopher no longer a saint, and did anyone listen to the prayers I prayed to him before they decided he didn't exist? The name Christopher means Christ-bearer and we used to believe that he carried the Christ child across a river on his shoulders. Then sometime around Pope John XXIII, the Catholic Church decided that this was just a story and didn't really happen. I am not convinced that when we get to heaven we may not find that St. Christopher does indeed exist and that he dislikes Pope John XXIII; however, if he does not exist, then the prayers you prayed to him would have been picked up by St. Jude. St. Jude is the patrol saint of hopeless causes. When you have a particularly terrible problem that has little hope of being solved, you pray to St. Anthony. (Reads.) Tell us some more about your family. (Smiles, pleased.) I had 26 brothers and sisters. From my family 5 became priests, 7 became nuns, 3 became brothers, and the rest were institutionalized. My mother was also institutionalized shortly after she started thinking my father was
10 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
Satan. Some days when we were little, we'd come home and not be able to find our mother so we'd pray to St. Anthony to help us find her. Then when we'd find her with her head in the oven, we would pray to St. Jude to make her same again. Are all our prayers answered? Yes, they are; what people who ask that question often don't realize is that sometimes the answer to our prayer is "no." Dear God, please make my mother not be crazy. God's answer : no. Dear God, please let me recover from cancer. God's answer: no. Dear God, please take away this toothache. God's answer: alright, but you're going to be run over by a car. But every bad thing that happens to us, God has a special reason for. God is the good shepherd, we are His flock. And if God is grouchy or busy with more important matters, His beloved mother Mary is always there to intercede for us. I shall now sing the Hail Mary in Latin. (Sister motions to the lighting booth, and the lights change to an apparently pre-arranged special spotlight for her, atmospheric with blue spill and back lighting; the rest of the stage becomes fairly dim. Sings.)
Ave Maria,
Gratia plena,
Maria, gratia plena,
Maria, gratia plena,
Ave, Ave! . . . (etc.)
(As Sister sings, enter four people, ages 28-30. They are a woman dressed as the Blessed Mother, a man dressed as St. Joseph, and two people, a man and a woman, dressed as a camel. The Blessed Mother sits on the back of the camel, which is lead in by St. Joseph. Because of the dim lighting, we don't see them too clearly at first. Sister, either sensing something happening due to the audience or else just by turning her head, suddenly sees them and is terribly startled and confused.)
ST. JOSEPH. We're sorry we're late.
SISTER. Oh dear God. (Kneels.)
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ST. JOSEPH. Sister, what are you doing?
SISTER. You look so real.
ST. JOSEPH. Sister, I¡¯m Gary Sullavan, and (Pointing to the Blessed Mother.) this is Diane Symonds. We were in your 5th grade class in 1959, and you asked us to come today. Don¡¯t you remember?
SISTER. 1959?
GARY. Don't you remember asking us?
SISTER. Not very distinctly. (Louder, to lighting booth.) Could I have some lights please? (Lights come back up to where they were before. To Gary.) What did I want you to do?
GARY. You wanted us to put on a pageant.
SISTER. That camel looks false to me.
PHILOMENA. Hello, Sister. (She¡¯s the front of the camel.)
SISTER. I thought so.
PHILOMENA. It's Philomena, Sister. Philomena Rostovitch.
ALOYSIUS. And Aloysius Benheim. (He¡¯s the back of the camel.)
SISTER. I don¡¯t really recognize any of you. Of course, you're not in your school uniforms.
DIANE. 1959.
SISTER. What?
DIANE. You taught us in 1959.
SISTER. I recognize you. Mary Jean Mahoney?
DIANE. I'm not Mary Jean Mahoney. I¡¯m Diane Symonds.
SISTER. This is all so confusing.
GARY. Don¡¯t you want to see the pageant?
SISTER. What pageant is it?
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GARY. We used to perform it at Christmas in your class; every class did. You said it was written in 1948 by Mary Jean Mahoney, who was your best student, you said.
DIANE. You said she was very elevated, and that when she was in the 7th grade she didn¡¯t have her first period, she had a stigmata.
SISTER. Oh yes. They discovered it in gym class. Mary Jean Mahoney. She entered a cloistered order of nuns upon her graduation from 12th grade. Sometimes late at night I can hear her praying. Mary Jean Mahoney. Yes, let's see her pageant again. (To audience.) She was such a bright student. (Vague.) I remember asking them to come now, I think. I wanted to tell you about Mary Jean Mahoney, and the perfect faith of a child. Yes, the pageant, please. Thomas, come watch with me. (Thomas enters and sits on Sister's lap.)
GARY. (Announcing.) The pageant of the birth and death of Our Beloved Saviour Jesus Christ, by Mary Jean Mahoney as told to Mrs. Robert J. Mahoney. The setting: a desert near Bethlehem. St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary and their trusty camel must flee from the wicked King Herod.
DIANE. (Sings; to the tune of "We Gather Together to ask the Lord's Blessings.")
Hello, my name's Mary,
And his name is Joseph,
We're parents of Jesus,
Who's not been born yet,
We're fleeing from Herod,
And nobody knows if,
We'll make it to the town,
But we'll try, you can bet.
And I'm still a virgin,
And he's not the father,
The father descended
From heaven above,
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 13
And this is our camel,
He's really not much bother,
We're off to Bethlehem,
Because God is love.
GARY. Here's an Inn, Mary. But there doesn't look like there's any room.
DIANE. Well ask them, Joseph.
GARY. (Knocks on imaginary door.) Excuse me, you don't have room at this Inn, do you? (Listens.) He said they don't, Mary.
DIANE. Oh dear. Well let's try another Inn.
GARY. (Knocks.) Excuse me, you don't have room at your Inn, do you? (Listens.) I thought not . . . What? You would? Oh, Mary, this kind innkeeper says that even though he has no room at the Inn, we can sleep in his stable.
DIANE. Do I look like a barn animal?
GARY. Mary, we really haven't any choice.
DIANE. Yes we do. Sister says we have choice over everything, because God gave us free will to decide between good and evil. And so I choose to stay in the stable.
GARY. Well here it is.
DIANE. Pew. It smells just like the zoo Mommy took me and Cynthia to visit last summer. We liked to look at the animals, but we didn't like to smell them.
GARY. I don't think there are any sheets.
DIANE. I don't need sheets, I'm so tired, I could sleep anywhere.
GARY. Well, that's good. Good night, Mary.
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SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS
IT ALL FOR YOU
DIANE. But I do need pillows.
GARY. Mary, what can I do? We don't have any pillows.
DIANE. I can't sleep without pillows.
GARY. Let's pray to God then. If you just pray, he answers your prayers.
DIANE. Sometimes he says no, Joseph.
GARY. I know, but let's try. Dear God, we beseech thee, hear our prayer.
DIANE. Pillows! Pillows! Pillows!
GARY. And behold God answered their prayers.
CAMEL. (Philomena.) We have an idea, Mary and Joseph. We have two humps, and you can use them as pillows.
DIANE. Thank you, God! Come on, Joseph. Let's go to sleep.
CAMEL. (As Mary and Joseph start to sleep, sings a lullaby:]
Rockabye, and good night,
May God keep you and watch you,
Rockabye, and good night, (etc.)
(They sleep. Aloysius makes baby crying noises, tosses out a doll onto the floor.)
DIANE. (Seeing the doll.) Joseph, he's born. Jesus is born.
GARY,DIANE, and CAMEL. (Sings.)
Joy to the world, the Saviour's come.
Let earth receive her king,
La la la la la la la la,
La la la la la la la la,
Let heaven and nature sing,
Let heaven and nature sing,
Let heaven, and heaven, and nature sing!
GARY. (To doll.) Can you say Poppa, Jesus? Can you say Momma?
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DIANE. He's not that kind of child, Joseph. He was born without original sin like me. This is called my Immaculate Conception, which is not to be confused with my Virgin Birth. Everyone makes this error, it makes me lose my patience. We must learn from him, Joseph.
GARY. (To audience.) And so Jesus instructed His parents, and the priests in the Temple, and he said many unusual things, many of them irritating to parents. Things like "Before Abraham was, I am." And "Do you not know that I must go about my father's business?" after we'd been worried to death and unable to find Him after looking for hours and hours. And He performed many miracles.
DIANE. He turned water into wine.
GARY. He made cripples walk.
DIANE. He walked on the water.
GARY. And then came the time for His crucifixion. And His mother said to him:
DIANE. (To doll.) But why, Jesus, why? Why must you be crucified? And what do you mean by "I must die so that others may know eternal life"?
GARY. And Jesus explained that because Adam and Eve, especially Eve, had sinned that mankind was cursed until Jesus could redeem us by dying on the cross.
DIANE. But that sounds silly. Why can't God just forgive us? And it's Adam and Eve anyway, not us.
GARY. But Jesus laughed at her and He said, "yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do and die." And then He said, "But seriously, mother, it is not up to God to justify His ways to man; rather man must have total and complete faith in God's wisdom, he must accept and not question, just like an innocent babe accepts and doesn't question his mommy and daddy." And then Mary said:
DIANE. I understand, Or rather, I understand that I am not supposed to understand. Come, let us go to Golgotha and watch you be crucified.
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GARY. And Mary and the apostles and the faithful camel, whose name was Misty, followed Jesus to the rock of Golgotha and watched him be nailed to a cross. (Gary has a hammer and nails, and nails the doll to a little cross; then stands it up that way.)
DIANE. And Jesus looked at the two thieves crucified on either side of Him, and He said to one:
GARY. Thou art saved; and to the other, He said:
DIANE. Thou art condemned for all eternity.
GARY. And then he hung there for three hours in terrible agony.
DIANE. Imagine the agony. Try to feel the nails ripping through His hands and feet. Pound, pound, pound, rip, rip, rip. Washing the dishes for three hours is nothing compared to hanging on a cross.
GARY. And then He died. He's dead now, mary.
DIANE. (Sad, lost) Oh.
GARY. Let's go for a long walk.
DIANE. Oh, Joseph, I feel so alone.
GARY. So do I, Mary.
DIANE. (Truly wondering.) Do you think He was just a nut? Do you think maybe the Holy Ghost isn't His Father at all, that I made it all up? Maybe I'm not a virgin . . . Maybe . . .
GARY. But then Misty said . . .
CAMEL. (Philomena.) Do not despair, Mary and joseph. Of course, he is God. He'll rise again in three days.
DIANE. If only I could believe you. But why should I listen to a dumb animal?
CAMEL. (Philomena.) O ye, of little faith.
DIANE. (Sad.) Oh, Joseph, I'm losing my mind.
BY CHRISTOPHER DURANG 17
GARY. And so Mary and Joseph and the camel hid for three days and three nights, and on Sunday morning they got up and went to the Tomb where Christ was buried. And when they got there, standing by the Tomb was an angel. And the angel spoke.
ALOYSIUS. (Back of camel.) Mary and Joseph, your son has risen from the dead, just like your dumb animal Misty told you he would.
DIANE. I can't see the angel, can you, Joseph?
ALOYSIUS. O doubting Thomases of the world, must you see and touch everything in order to believe? Mary and Joseph! Your son Jesus wishes you to go out into the world and tell the people that unless they have the faith of the dumb animal Misty they shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. For, yea I say to you, at the end of the world the first in the class will be the last in the class, the boy with A in arithmetic will get F, the girl with F in geography will get A, and those with brains will be cast down in favor of those who are like dumb animals. For thus are the ways of the Lord.
GARY. And then Mary and joseph, realizing their lack of faith, thanked Misty and made a good Act of Contrition. And then Jesus came out from behind the tree where He was hiding, they spent forty days on earth enjoying themselves and setting the groundwork for the Catholic Church, and then Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Misty ascended into heaven and lived happily ever after. (Diane and Gary, holding the doll between them, stand in front of the camel. All sing the final jubilant phrase of "Angels We Have heard on High" Christmas carol, as Diane and Gary mime ascension by waving their arms in a flying motion.)
All. (Singing.)
Glor-or-or-or-ia! In Excelsis Deo!
(All four bow. Sister applauds enthusiastically. After their bow, the four quickly get out of their costumes, continuing
18 SISTER MARY IGNATIUS EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
To do so during some of Sister's next speech if necessary. Their "regular" clothes are indeed regular and not too moteworthy: Diane might wear slacks or jeans but with an attractive sweater or blouse and with a blazer, Gary might wear chinos, a nice shirt with even a tie, or a vest-casual but neat, pleasant; Philomena might wear a dress, Aloysius a shirt and slacks [or, if played as a bit formal, even a suit].)
SISTER. Oh, thank you, children. That was lovely. Thank you. (To audience.) The old stories really are the best, aren't they? Mary Jean Mahoney. What a good child. And what a nice reunion we're having. What year did you say you were in my class again?
GARY. 1959.
SISTER. 1959. Oh, those were happy years. Eisenhower, Pope Pius still alive, then the first Catholic president. And so now you've all grown up. Let's do some of the old questions, shall we? (To Aloysius.) Who made you?
ALOYSIUS. God made me.
SISTER. Quite correct. What is the seventh commandment?
PHILOMENA. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not steal.
SISTER. Very good. (To Diane.) What is contrition? You.
DIANE. Uh . . . being sorry for sin?
SISTER. (Cheerfully chastising.) That's not how we answer questions here, young lady. Thomas?